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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in carpe_diem365's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, February 4th, 2010
3:04 pm
Larkin said I kept waking him up last night because I was screaming in my sleep.

The past few days have been unbearable. I can't stand having him here and being so disconnected. I just want him to leave, but I know when he leaves it just might kill me, knowing I may never see him again. I can't stop crying.

Its been a fucking year.

There was one moment when we connected. We talked and talked for hours and laid in bed and we finally touched after being so distant for days and days and frolicked in the streets of Prescott and we smiled and laughed and held hands. That night he was cold. He told me that our entire relationship was him telling me about his problems and the only reason he was happy is because we had sex and everyone feels good after they have sex. I feel used.

The only thing that cheered me up was seeing Pamela. I haven't seen her in months since she got hit by a car. She told me stories and showed me her sweet scars. I took her with me to look at a space for a WEB event at the Smoki museum. The museum guide told us about the Smoki people, about how they were a group of prominent white men in the community who appropriated Hopi traditions. Pamela: "How is this OK? This is so fucked up! I feel ill just hearing about it!"
Guide: "Well, it is a little messed up, but I can see where they were coming from, trying to preserve native culture. You will never find another musem like this in the nation."
Pamela: "You mean this is the only place in the nation where you will find white people co-opting native traditions and artifacts for profit? Fuck that."

We didn't get the space, but her reaction definitely cheered me up. I love how passionate and outspoken she is. She is truly an inspiration, but perhaps not the best person to take along when you are trying to get a space to host a non-profit fundraiser.

Afterwards, we went to see Kelsey perform in the recital for her dance class's final project. At last moment she decided to perform topless. I enjoyed her vagina ballet.

I am lucky to have good friends.
Thursday, January 28th, 2010
11:55 am
We raised $515 at our Haiti bake sale, after estimating about $70 at the start of the day. This was probably my best day with WEB so far. I have never felt so close to Gracie. We tuly felt like a team.

Things are strange with Larkin. He says he feels disconnected because I am so busy. It seems that he is coming just as I am getting a new start on my job, when I am realizing how important what I do is and how much of a difference I can truly make. Everything is hectic now, having to change the name of "Cunt Coffeehouse," looking for a venue for Lunafest, trying to plan a trip to the grand canyon for the girls, thinking of ways to raise $12,000 for this girl's school in Kenya...

How difficult it is to juggle my personal and professional lives.
Sunday, January 24th, 2010
2:26 am
snow day
This might be the worst storm Prescott has ever seen. We were on CNN today.

The road that used to take me to work is now a lake. Like...seriously. There are already several islands popping up from sediment washes.

Two nights ago I was trapped at Kelsey's house. I went over to her place so we could collaborate for her queer history freeskool (which we never did) and once it started snowing we all decided to take off our clothes and run up and down the street naked.

What a rush.
Tuesday, January 19th, 2010
12:07 am
today was MLK Jr. Day of Service. There was this huge thing that AmeriCorps put on with like 25 service projects and 500 people. Everyone wanted to be in mine because we just made braided bracelets for a WEB fundraiser instead of standing outside in the cold rain. It was sort of hectic, but really fun. We wound up making 427 bracelets! WEB will never need to make bracelets for our fundraisers ever again!

Shacara from the Teen Advisory Council called me and talked for like an hour. She had all these great ideas about a mother's day picnic and an open mic night and workshops...I told her that Savannah wanted to try and get a consent workshop for high schoolers, and when I explained what consent was, she was like "that's such a good idea! And I think it should be for men and women because women don't respect men sometimes too." These girls amaze me. I think I want to go in to education. It is amazing how much Shacara has come out of her shell and blossomed in the short time I have known her. She just needed a project to devote all of her enthusiastic energy to.

AmeriCorps pizza party after. It was really cool to just sit around with a bunch of people and talk about how awesome public service is sometimes. We went bowling afterwards.

Burned 460 calories while listening to Animal Collective today at the gym. I should make this a regular activity.
Sunday, January 17th, 2010
10:50 pm
Kelsey, Addie, and I were the only people at the planning meeting for Womanifesto yesterday. I think I should reserach and submit something every month. I need to keep my mind sharp. I sort of feel like its turning to mush since I'm out of college. Next month I think I will re-vamp my consent workshop, and perhaps my kink workshop. I went on a hiatus because I learned that it was triggering to some people, and also I am still trying to figure out my thoughts on the subject. I think what I have with Kelsey right now is really healthy, although both of us are still trying to figure out exactly what that is. But anyway, Kelsey suggested a zine reading group, perhaps Subversive Submissive. Maybe Kelsey and I could co-host, so it wouldn't be so much pressure.

After the Womanifesto meeting, Devon continued his how to be cool freeskool series, this month's being how open a bottle of beer with a lighter, the reasoning being that if you drink beer, you are probably cool enough to smoke too. I ended up cutting my finger on the cap. Phil didn't want his lighter back because it was covered in blood, but I felt very accomplished when it was all said and done.

I took Gracie to get a physics book at Barnes and Noble. She is a totally different person to interact with now that she is happy. She told me that I helped her get her through her depression, which was very nice to hear. We didn't do anything out of the ordinary, but it was a wonderful evening. She kept bringing up things like how the moon was a tiny sliver and how gorgeous midwinter dusk is against thumb butte. It was an evening well spent.

Now I am mostly preparing for Larkin's arrival. I can't believe he will be here in a week!
Saturday, January 16th, 2010
12:54 am
New Moon Wimmin's Circle
Was at my house tonight. Not the best one ever, mostly because the fire was missing. But, as always, it was lovely to set intentions for the coming month/year and come together as a group of wimmin.

This year is starting out so well. I am totally on top of my shit, organized, focused, and ready to go. Yesterday I realized that I am living the best time of my life. I truly only hope it gets better from here.

There was a new trans girl there tonight. She said that her parents were not supportive in her transition, which made me very sad. During the night she really started to open up. I think it was the first time she had been in a group of supportive wimmin...maybe ever.
Thursday, January 14th, 2010
12:12 am
In Love With Life
My favorite memories from the past few days:

Gracie is so much happier now that she's back in school and has an apartment. I can see a glimmer of light in her eyes and the genuine smile on her face. She is buying new clothes, still manages to look great in outfits that would look horribly tacky on most people, but is failing pretty badly in her quest to "look more professional."

We woke Kelsey up in the afternoon and all piled on her bed and laughed for what seemed like hours. Sydnie said that she decided she wanted to have a baby because she heard that you can have the best orgasms ever through waterbirth. I asked her what she was going to do with the baby afterwards.

Amidst the delicious dessert pizza, rice pudding, black beans and rice, spaghetti and polenta, we managed a mission statement for our new group: "We are an inclusive group of women and men united in addressing gender-related injustices within the Prescott community. We are committed to taking direct action to ensure physical and emotional safety and to provide a support system for all." Not bad, but perhaps it needs some revision.

Kelsey stayed afterwards. We talked and laughed and fucked to Peaches and ate rocky road ice cream in bed. I fell asleep to her click clacking at the keyboard, writing a piece on esctatic dance and art as survival for the latest issue of Womanifesto.

We went out to breakfast this morning. Delicious green chilie omlette with salsa and avacados. Sleepily dragged ourselves to school and work. Only one person showed up to our volunteer meeting, but she was incredible. Had this beautiful dream of opening up a wimmin's teen center/support network. Everything that she did in her life was reaching towards this goal. I admired her vision.

I have promised myself one day alone every week. I used it to plan Larkin's visit. Only one week and three days until he arrives, and it is starting to consume my every thought. I miss my little Canadian cactus flower!
Tuesday, October 13th, 2009
3:30 am
check out my food blog!
Please friend me on my food blog, username: rawandthecooked.

I am doing this experiment where I am not buying food for a month, and thus far I have learned a lot more about interdependence, and community then I have about food. Its pretty exciting. Seriously. Thus far I have written:

-a LOT about herbalism
-scouting potential squats with a friend and finding this cami covered in BLOOD
-prickly pear cactus russian sage lemonade bubble tea
-this awesome infoshop that has basically taken over my life.

Prescott is a pretty exciting place. Check it out!
Friday, July 31st, 2009
1:31 am
This is seriosuly my life?
Today was my second day of work. I still can't get over the fact that this is my JOB. Like...I have an office and everything. I mean, it is technically the Women's Empowerment Breakthrough office and I will be sharing it with two work study interns come October, but it is an effing office! And the walls are covered in WEBs past events, and I'm looking at all these cool conferences and these AIDS awareness/free testing programs and concerts and free condoms and t-shirts and AHHHHHHH! Yesterday I met Courtney, the head and creator of WEB, and today I met the current VISTA, Jane. The work environment is unbelievably wonderful. It is beyond friendly. Everyone is really close and just seem to spend the entire day creating massive auras of positive energy. They seem excited to have me here, and  I am just as excited to be working with them. They both got back from Kenya a few days ago and seem a bit frazzled, but it is great to have a few days just to get to know each other before we get down to serious buisness. I feel like I am already doing quite a bit though. I called like all of their 200 contacts TWICE to make sure that we had the correct mailing address, e-mailed the Teen Advisory Council, e-mailed Bitch to see if she could get anyone to play at our benefit concert, re-vamped the facebook page, created a Yahoo! group, scoured the community directory for potential contacts...The organization of the organization seems pretty classicly feminine. Personal relationships are valued over immediate productivity (which eventually leads to more productivity because I will want to put more effort in to a job that I really care about) and there is not very much hierarchy. The position seems pretty self directed.

Tonight a woman named Serah that I had met at the UU church invited me to a dinner party. I had so much fun! She is a bit older and has two kids, a demographic that has been seriously lacking in my life since I stopped being a doula. She and her husband are vegan and poly! After a delicious meal of grilled veggies and pasta salad, (I feel like I am eating so well here! 90% vegan diet with lots of greens! The cafe at Prescott college is fresh, delicious, and cheap. And last night I was invited to another wonderful dinner party with stir fry swiss chard, mushrooms, bell peppers, and quionia!)  Anyway...we all had a wonderful debate. It has been a really long time, if ever, where I disagreed with someone in an atmosphere where I felt that my opinion was considered and respected. Serah's brother was in the military and also worked for PETA, two ridiculously oxymoronic things that I am strongly against, and Serah felt that gay marriage was a very important issue. I felt like we were all sort of coming from the same root, and we could all take something away from each other's opinions without compromising ourselves. How wonderfully refreshing.

This is going to be a GOOD year.
Monday, July 20th, 2009
2:02 pm
Greetings from Prescott, AZ! I recently moved here for an AmeriCorps position called Women's Empowerment Breakthrough, a leadership development program for girls ages 14-18. This city is ridiculously amazing. Every time of american landscape one could imagine is present here, except for the cold rainy one. The temperature is a pleasant 40-90 year round. We are located in the mountains surrounded by trees, but drive a mere 10 minutes outside of town and you are in the red clay mesa desert. My mother has been here with me since I moved here. It is a trying time for both of us. She's saying goodbye to her only daugher, and I am ready for her to LET ME GO! I am now an adult earning my own salary and I would like to be treated as such. Our relationship has had some serious ups and downs over the past few days. We have gotten along OK for the past two days, but three days ago she probably did something more traumatizing than anything she has ever done to me before and I feel like I need to write about it to get it off my chest and process it.  Honestly, I  just want my mom to be proud of me. I got this wonderful job all by myself and for the first time ever I am going to be supporting myself, but none of it means anything if I refuse to acknowledge Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. On Friday, my AmeriCorps supervisor, who is quickly becoming my one and only  friend in this area, took me to see two houses. The first was located in the "eco-hood," and it happens to be where she lives. She let us see her room, which was covered in rainbow garb, a playbill from rent, a picture of her and her girlfriend, etc etc... The second had a garden, greenhouse, and compost out back, art and photography all over the walls. There were two rooms that were occupied. One of them had both skirts and ties hanging in the closet, along with homemade plush owl pillows, cross stitching on the walls, and a cartoon
Thursday, June 4th, 2009
12:57 am
The Riot
They told us there was going to be a dance party at someone's house and that we would have a dance party on the L train on the way to the dance party. This is not what happened. We stormed the L train, jumping over the turnstyles. I timidly put my card through, Surely someone was going to do something? Were they going to escort us away? I spoke my fears to someone. She told me not to talk about it because there could be spies around us. Well surely those spies would have seen a mob of 150 jump over the turnstyles 5 minutes ago?? As soon as the L came, we stormed in yelling "We're here, we're queer, we're anarchists we'll fuck you up!" I once again found my riot buddy Ali, who I had lost for a while in the midst of all the mayhem. We chanted and sang for a while, crowdsurfed a giant banana through the crowd while singing "This Shit is Bananas!" (One thing I do have to commend queer anarchists for is their brilliant ingenuity. Whoever decided to meld the two concepts was fucking insane. Where else can you learn how to waltz your way through a police blockade?) Pretty soon someone started ripping ads down from the top of the train. I thought it was idiotic. These people already have like a bajillion lawsuits agianst them, we already told the whole train we were bash back...and now we are doing thousands of dollars worth of property damage. Is it really worth adding that risk? I told myself I wasn't going to participate but I may have torn a little edge off of an ad that was already torn...and maybe smeared a little bit of my menstrual blood on the walls of the train? Mob mentality is a powerful thing! There were two guys who had been at the conference all day who we all suspected of being plants taking pics and making notes right next to me. They definitley got a clear shot of my face. When someone asked them to stop they said that they were in a public place and had the right to take pictures. We HOPE that they were just curious bystanders. Pretty soon some bros dressed in Abercrombie boarded. We started yelling "kick the bros off the train!" and "10% is not enough, recruit recruit recruit!" Pretty soon they were surrounded by like 5 queer couples making out and groping each other. One of them hopped off the train before it started moving and the other got off at the next stop. We all cheered. I felt bad about stereotyping these guys based on their appearance, but on the other hand it felt so good to make these guys aware of the priveledge that they take for granted every day. For once they were the subject of the mockery and ridicule that trannies and genderfucks deal with at every moment. I talked to Holly about my mixed feelings, and she said that she did not agree with the action because the fact that queers are ridiculed is abhorable and sickening, and putting someone else in to that situation is just as wrong. I guess actions like this is the whole point of bash back, but am I willing to bash back for any  reason other than self defense? 

Before long we reached the end of the line. We realized we had gone too far, so we got back on. Pretty soon we had passed another stop, then another, "Where's the dance party?" I kept asking everyone. No one seemed to know what was going on. Finally, I learned that there was something wrong with the music at the house. I couldn't seem to get a clear picture of where we were going, but some people seemed to believe that we were going back to DuPaul to make decisions from there. I guess I was just along for the ride. Ali and some other people decided to go to a bar. I really wanted to go with them, but I knew some shit was going to go down and wanted to be there for it, plus the person who I was supposed to go home with was staying on the train. I was sad that I had to miss that oppurtunity with them, but decided to wait and see what happened. Pretty soon someone yelled "off the train!" We were nowhere near DuPaul. Everyone started putting bandanas and t-shirts over their faces. I took my bash back shirt and tied it over my face, knowing that there was no turning back. At the time I had no interest in turning back, what with all of the energy and excitement, but even if I had wanted to I really couldn't without being left alone as a woman in a city I was not familiar with in the least. I thought it was very irresponsible of them to put us in that situation, but then again who is "them?" This was an anarchist conference. There were no leaders. We had all complicitly gotten ourselves in to this situation as a group, and there was nothing left to do but storm boystown.

Since Ali and Beth had left, I was basically alone in the crowd. I was happy to see a familiar head of rainbow dreads in the crowd. "Lichen!" I cried, and joined hir arm in arm. We agreed to be riot buddies and watch each other's back in the crowd. Our arm linking soon turned to hand holding. "Do you mind that we're holding hands?" I asked. "No, I would have said something." Ze replied. "I sorta have a crush on you..." I admitted. "Awwww..." ze said. "Thats so cute!" and squeezed my hand. Well it looked like it was going to be an adorable queer anarchist love story...something between a Kimya Dawson and Against Me! song as we stormed the streets yelling "1 2 3 4 Kick open the closet door! 5 6 7 8 We will not assimilate!" to the gawking passerbys. But this idyllic scene came to an abrupt end with the arrival of the flashing blue lights. The cops were trying to herd us out of the streets. Then everyone started chanting "Out of the sidewalks in to the streets!" And we sort of kept weaving back and forth, following the crowd. I didn't see what happened. Apparently a cop ran over someone's foot then arrested them. I just remember hearing "RUN!" as I held on to Lichen's hand for dear life and frantically followed about an eighth of the original crowd in to a dark neighborhood. After a while we began walking, believing we were safe from the cops. "Are we just going to LEAVE our FRIENDS there?" Someone yelled. "We have to go back!" "Going back is going to do nothing but put us in danger" I thought to myself. "Its not going to un-arrest them. All it will do is add to BB!'s already mounting lawsuit." Grasping Lichen's arm, we walked down the street with no direction. Things get a bit fuzzy at this point. We ran a few more times, with or without reason I don't know. I was so unaware of my surroundings, Lichen's grasp really the only thing that I was aware of.

Some guy I didn't know came up beside me, touching my back and grabbing my ass. Are you serious? This is the most terrified I have ever been in my life. We are fucking hiding from the cops and now I have to deal with sexual harassment on top of it all? "Dude, get off me!" I said dismissively. I just didn't want to deal with it at that point. I kept going over it in my head, thinking about how I should have handled the situation. Unfortunately, I had another chance. He came up and started grabbing me again. This time I elbowed him in the chest (not hard enough!) and said "What the fuck is your problem? Get off me!" "Sorry!" He shrugged, and laughed. "Who are you?" another one of my group asked. "This guy grabbed my ass!" I yelled. They chased him away, stomping on his feet until he went to the other side of the street. What was going though this guy's head? Some fucker who saw a group of queer anarchists being chased by the cops and thought he could get some action? I always try to see things from the other person's perspective in these situations, but I seriously could not fathom what this guy must have been thinking. It was so wonderful to have a support group like that! I would kill to have that in Conway, except for the whole surprise riot thing. I feel like that is what BB! should be about. A bunch of queers watching each other's backs, learning to defend themselves and each other against facist chauvinists, not some group that piles up lawsuits for poorly planned actions that do nothing but re-enforce group identity.

Soon after that happened, Lichen and I seperated ourselves from the crowd. We quietly slipped on to a side street as they continued forward. He took the bandana off hir face and helped take the t-shirt off mine. "OK...we gotta get out of here. Lets just...keep holding hands. No one will know we were with them." He said, a bit shaken up. I think we both felt sort of shitty for using our hetero-cis priveledge to get out of the situation, but beyond that I didn't feel bad at all. "We didn't ASK for this" I thought. "There are plenty of things I am willing to get arrested for, but chanting in the street is not one of them. Then why did I do this? For the excitement? For the scene? So I could feel like I was a part of something?" Lichen had to keep shushing me so we would continue to be inconspicuous. I seriously lost all filter on my thought processes. We needed to be inconspicuous but I needed so badly to talk about what had happened that I just kept stupidly saying stuff. We met up with a few other people, feeling like it was safe enough to walk with others at this point. They said that they were going to the Cunt Collective, and we decided to get on the L with them. We ran in to another group of BB!ers who waved to us from across the street. We ignored them. At this point I totally felt like Judas Iscariot. We tried to make small talk, I told hir about the legend of Petit Jean, the first non-native trans person to set foot in Arkansas, and ze told me about kayaks, hammocks, and wild maine blueberries. I tried to pretend like I was there instead of walking down dark streets in a city I didn't know. All of the rioting and cop chasing aside, being in a big city is always a bit stressful for me, being in such close proximity to so many people I don't know, with no greenery in sight, besides some sad little trees allowed to live in their concrete prisons. Only the most urban areas of Little Rock are completely deforested! We ran in to some grungy kids in pink makeup outside of the L. "Where's the dance party?" they asked. We bewerderingly explained to them that the dance party had probably been canceled.

We got up to the platform and asked some guys which train we should take. We politely pointed them in the right direction, and we thanked them. I whispered in Lichen's ear that had those guys gotten on the L with us two hours ago, we would have mocked them and ridiculed them. To me, this was a huge revelation about power relations, situational identity, and mob mentality. We had to wait for the train for a while. Lichen gave me hir sweater to wear. Ze told me my "pro-choice y'all" shirt was too conspicuous. I told hir ze was probably being a bit too parinoid, but ze said that a person with a radio had been standing beside us, listening to our conversation, and had gone downstairs. Someone got a call telling them not to do to the Cunt Collective, as it was a known BB spot and they didn't want to risk it. We got out of the L and made it back to DuPaul where we did some serious processing. Someone did some energy healing, and another person gave us Kava. Once more, I was overwhelmingly thankful to be surrounded by so many supportive, magical people. I had some time to cool down, but it seemed that all that happened was that my adrenaline rush was replaced by an overwhelming feeling of guilt, uneasiness, and powerlessness. I have had some  trouble with depth perception lately, and I found that when I let go of Lichen everything started moving, almost waking life-esque. It truly felt like ze was my anchor on the world, and as long as I could touch hir, I would be safe. I took some time away to call Larkin, which helped further ground me. I mostly just wanted to listen to him talk, because I could only speak in semi-incoherent run on sentences. I was glad to hear that he had a fabulous birthday, saw Hedwig and the Angry Inch live, and slept with Just. He sounded more calm and at peace than he has been in a while, which is what I needed.

We learned a bit more about the situation. Four people arrested, we think. We went back to the anarchist collective with another guy who was sort of annoying, but provided conversation. I grew to be happy about his presence. When we returned to where we were staying, I called Katie while Lichen talked to his friend. When I returned, he told me about his life...a person with principles and ambition who is trying desperately to find a place in our fucked up society without compromising hirself...which is very difficult. The story that most stuck out to me was hir's telemarketing job, where ze had to lie to some poor old lady and tell her that these herbal suppliments were going to fix her aching joints and he just had to leave mid shift after that. It reminded me of a time when I was phone banking for Sierra Club and some woman told me about how she was going deaf and blind and her friends didn't care...and the only person she could talk to was this phone solicitor...what a strange and alienating world we live in. Lichen and I went to sleep spooning...don't think the crush was quite reciprocated but I had an overwhelmingly deep gratitude to hir for staying with me and getting me through the situation...I don't think I could have made it without hir without completely falling apart. What an incredible experience to be so surrounded by a supportive people, be they new aquanitances, strangers, or dear friends.

Sunday, April 26th, 2009
6:11 pm
I think yesterday might qualify as one of the best days of my life. Hope I can do it justice in my sleep deprived state!

Bitch wakes me up at 7:30 to tell me that she will be in Little Rock at 9:20, which I was not expecting at all. I didn't think she was coming until like 4! I arrive at the airport at 9:40 (of course) and she greets me with a hug, I am a bit surprised at how different she looks without the rainbow dreads! I like the haphazard hacked look that she seems to be going for now though. We had so much to talk about! Of course our conversation quickly turns to the radical faeries, and she seems super interested in my thesis. I happened to have a copy with me, and she read it! We got in to a long conversation about male dominated queer spaces, how she wasn't cast in shortbus until the last minute when John Cameron Mitchell realized he didn't have any queer women in the movie, how her first scene reminded me so much of what it was like to inhabit this male dominated queer space with the radical faeries, and then to find that tiny womyn-only space and what a relief it was! We began talking about intentional communities and how it is harder to start female communities because it is more difficult for us to purchase land, and then she told me about her friend Laurel who used to live in a wilderness community in the middle of Arkansas. She and a group of lesbians lived in the forest, rode on horseback, and hunted and gathered all their food. They had all since died of cancer because the government sprayed agent orange in the forest where they lived, which made me want to cry. (I started obsessing over this after she told me. She told me she would give me the contact info of Laurel's ex so I could find out more about the community. I am waiting for Bitch to send me her latest CD so I can contact her, because I have formulated this idea of conducting some interviews and research about this community locally, and hopefully collaborate with Bitch to write a song or two about this amazing group of women!) She then told me about how Daniella had taught her to gather food in the forest, which led to discussions of the L word. She has not seen the last two seasons because she and Daniella are really pissed off about how they treated Max's character. They both think the show is really transphobic, and feel really out of place on the set.

So obviously we talked for a while, skip some unimportant details...we arrived at the hotel and somehow got in to a conversation about the song feminist housewives. I jokingly suggested that we do it as a duet, and she loved the idea! She got out her ukulele, and we both realized we were a bit rusty on the lyrics, so she asked me to print them out so we could practice later. I left her at the hotel for a while, but before we knew it it was time for the potluck! We had such a great time! She has so many interesting stories, but was so interested in what everyone else had to say too! We spent a good hour talking about sex ed in the south, most of us had depressing or humorous tales. We only got a chance to go through feminist housewives once before mic check, and it was pretty rough, but we figured we could wing it at the show.

The show was incredible! Even though I gave her the worst introduction in the history of the world, it didn't seem to phase her. Her ululating vocals and passionate violin brought me close to tears more than once! Great crowd too! There were like 50 people there, which in a school of 1,000 is not too bad at all! She dedicated like 4 songs to me, and referenced a lot of our conversation during the show. Of course the high light of the show was singing feminist housewives. We pulled it off with major character and only minor flaws (bitch and animal are so low-fi anyway that I don't think it mattered at all...).  The best part was definitley when Bitch looked in to my eyes and told me "I've been lusting after you, for four years now..." Everyone cheered so loud for me when I got on the stage. I don't want to sound conceited, but I have been really depressed lately, wondering if I have really made an impact at Hendrix or if anyone will notice that I am gone. Its always good to know that I am still liked and people appreciate my work, although I don't think my event planning will be missed because Sean and Lana, our new presidents, have proved to be very competent! I couldn't have pulled this off without their help. I can't believe my baby is growing up!

We had an afterparty which lasted until 3 AM. The jam session was sort of mediocre, but Lauren Johnson busted out her passionate vocals and Louis Weedman shredded the violin. I taught about half the crowd how to line dance. I got so tired and cranky towards the end though because Jasmine and I had to pick her up at 4:30, but Bitch gave us the key to her hotel room after we dropped her off at the aiport so we got a good three hours in her wonderful soft and squishy hotel bed room. Next best thing to being there with her!

I really hope this is the start of a long, collaborative friendship.
Wednesday, March 25th, 2009
1:23 pm
Feminism and Faeries

so nobody came to my feminist club meeting last night...so me and the other officers played duck duck goose instead. It was great, but I wish I hadn't spent hours preparing the lecture.

Thesis presentation in 2 hours! Glitter and Dirt: Gender Representation Among the Radical Faeries

I figured out what I am going to do next year! I'm going to flutter off to short mountain sanctuary, a radical faerie sanctuary located outside of Nasheville. They just started up a farm and are accepting WWOOFers! Doesn't this look adorable?

Saturday, March 14th, 2009
11:52 pm
Asheville...where girls kiss and the dirt is sparkly
My second trip to Asheville was more insane than my first! I went with my dear friend Lara and she was such a lovely travel buddy! I can't imagine a better friend. If every week of my life is like this I will be a happy person. Except for the sex. I hope that will be better eventually.  This covers a week of my life and a lot happened so I will divide it into convenient sections so you can read what you want and skip what you don't care about.

We arrived at Warren Wilson on Saturday night. Warren Wilson was my other choice of school. Part of me wonders why I didn't go there. I hear the academics are a joke but you get a lot of real life experience because you have to work for 15 hours a week. Most of the kids work on the campus farm. They grow a lot of their own veggies and meat and stuff. We had this supercool couchsurfing host named Asa, but he didn't seem in to partying too much. We basically just stood around and watched the fire dancers. Some really drunk kid came out and said "this fire's dying like capitalism!" and it was a totally warren wilson moment. Asa's house functions a lot like the ecohouse, except a lot dirtier and more sustainable. All their food from the main fridge was dumpstered, and we ate some rancid coconut yogurt before deciding to stick to our boxed food. Got into this lovely conversation with a guy named ben who gave me a kombucha baby about the meaning of pain. He got this kickass tattoo of a fire and ice where he had a huge scar after some kid tackled him and broke his arm in two. I noticed that there were zines addressing the issue of sexual assault at the school and I thought it would be a great idea for Hendrix! (We are now in the process of photocopying zines and creating our own reproductive health zine!!) We went on a hike with Elenore and at first I thought some drunk kids had gotten a bit glitter happy one weekend, but then I realized the ground was just sparkly! Aparently there is this mineral called mica...maybe? I dunno i'm drunk. But it makes the ground sparkle and it is magical. After that we went to the free store!!! Why don't we have one of these at Hendrix? We were totally blown away by their ecofriendlyness. The bookstore carried re-useable menstural pads! We got to the vegetarian caf after lunch was over and they gave us free food! It was so wholesome and delicious! There is some kind of crazy energy in this town. We came with so little and everything we asked for was provided at no cost. I think I spent less than $100 on gas and food for the whole week!

The next night I was really pissed because we kept getting lost downtown, but we happened upon Rosetta's my favorite syncronatic vegan restaurant, and it just happened to be free soup night! Unfortunatley of Montreal was not there this time, but when I walked in we ran in to Kelly Belly/little Girl, a resident of short mountain sanctuary and a former radical faerie that I met at the fall gathering! Apparently she had an emotional breakdown at the santuary the day after I did and dediced to leave and move to Asheville! Apparently they kicked out Valencia, the last woman/person of color on the commune, and KB was really pissed off about their blatant sexism. Personally I thought the faeries were really sexist too but it was a men's movement that was trying to include women and valencia seemed to exist to act like she was the most opressed person on earth. So maybe I can understand why they kicked her off. After that we met a boy named michael who was going to culinary school and he invited us to crash on his futon, so we decided to spend a couple days in the city of asheville. Some crazy things happened that I might talk about later but I think I want to skip ahead to the drugs, sex, and religious cults, because that is what makes for good daytime television.

This month was apparently the sap moon. Ashevillieans have gatherings every month to celebrate the full moon. It was way different than I thought it would be. It was basically just a party in a garage with lots of DJs, no healing or chanting. We alternated dancing and hanging out in the lounge area, where we smoked $500 pot that tasted like tropical fruit. My night was a little bit ruined because I get depessed whenever I smoke, but Quetzal, Michael's roomie who we had been hanging out for a while cheered me up. This boy walked in to the lounge who I kept staring at because I thought he was Jamie from of Montreal, but then I decided that if he was in fact Jamie he would have said hi to me or run away. Eventually Lara started talking to him and we hung out with him for a while. His name is not worth mentioning. We will call him the nameless conquest. We played some fun games, including whoever can get me a cigarette first wins. We got home at like 3AM and decided to hang out again.

On wedesday evening, we decided to check out Twelve Tribes Village because they accept WWOFers (world wide organic farmers) and I was thinking about working for them. We get there for their pre-dinner gathering and I notice that everyone is dressed like they are from a cross between the 60s and the 1800s. All of the women are wearing head scarves, covered shoulders, and long skirts, and all of the men are wearing this braided headband type thing. We are in a log cabin and everyone gets out their fiddles and flutes and dulcimers, and all the children go in to the center of the cirlce and sing about jesus while doing this really intricate square dance, and I seriously feel like I am in a time warp. Despite the creepy cultishness of it all, I found it quite delightful. I wondered what Lara was thinking, as she had never been to a commune before, and this was probably a really bad first impression. She told me that it evoked images from Texas Chainsaw Massacre. After the dancing, there was a free time for everyone to share what Jesus was doing in their lives. I call this place a cult, but I really don't think it was because cults are defined as having a central leader that everyone else follows dogmatically, and it was clear that there was no real leader. It was done quaker style where everyone was invited to speak, women and children included. There was this guy who I thought was talking to himself the whole time, but it turns out he was translating for the spanish speaking member. whew. We stayed for dinner and met some wonderful people. We sat with two long time members who had been picked up at a greatful dead concert, and another who had been picked up three days before at a Phish concert. These people really like to follow jam bands around and pick up lost hippies on their last limb. Another was a brand new WWOFer who seemed sort of freaked out and obviously had no idea what she was getting herself in to. I learned that they divide the world in to twelve parts (hence Twelve Tribes) and they have communes in every tribe. I learned that we were getting our olive oil from the tribe in Israel, our sea salt from the tribe in Spain, and our Yerba Mate from the tribe in Argentina. The rest of the food was harvested from the farm. I really loved this idea of all the communes helping each other out in what was essentially a form of globalization lite. It was the wonderful form of hybrid capitalism that I think we could really learn from. It was clear that this place, despite their zeal for Jesus and antiquity, really encouraged people to think for themselves. I would not really classify them as a cult, although they defintiley had all the window dressings of a cult.

<lj-cut text="Scandalous Things">
Afterwards, we met up with Nameless Conquest and his friend Jeremy at a bar. We were looking for a change of scenery (and also a chance to hook up with Nameless Conquest) and so Jeremy had offered up his place. I know it was totally sketch-a-tron and stupid of us to just go with this guy, but whatever. I guess we were fooled by Asheville's apparent transparency and friendliness. Nameless Conquest was pretty much an ass, leaving us often in a bar where we didn't know anyone. It was 80s night and we had a pretty fun time dancing, but we were drunk of Wild Irish Rose, which is the cheapest wine in the world and gives you a really head heavy drunk, so we were ready to go back pretty soon. We hung out for a while at Jeremy's until we got in to bed and of course the inevitable happened with Nameless Conquest. I was pretty ambivalent towards him by the time we started fooling around, but I was like "eh, whatever. I don't have anything else to do and I guess this could be fun." Plus Lara seemed really in to it and it was between watching them or joining in. He said "are you girls hot for each other?" And I told him that we had never hooked up before but asked Lara if she wanted to kiss. We had almost been in a threesome together once before, and had talked about what we would do if we found ourselves in the situation again, and Lara hadn't really given an answer but seemed open to it, so I just decided to ask permission as we went, which, of course, I would have done anyway. Nameless conquest was really demanding and needy. He never asked, he just told us to do stuff. At one point he stuck his fingers down Lara's throat and said "good girl, good girl." We were totally appalled. I stuck my fingers down his throat until he gagged and said "how do you like THAT?" Of couse he rolled over right after he came. I just wanted to ignore him and focus on Lara but Lara seemed more in to him than I did. Lara and I started making out and I started fingering her. He tried to join in but I pushed him away, which, of course, he thought was hot, instead of taking it as a clue that he wasn't welcome. I asked if I could go down on her and she consented, which is something I haven't done in two years since Sally. He halfheartedly attempted to pleasure us but made it clear that we were responsible for our own orgasms. The next day he didn't even say goodbye to us! We found ourselves out in the cold with no idea where we were, me with a twisted ankle. Both of us were pretty pissed off about the whole ordeal, although I just wanted to focus on how awesome it was to finally be with a girl again. I really liked having sex with Lara and I hope to again in the future. We had a talk about it (our way of working out all our problems was to have periodic check-ins,) and she said she would be open to the experience again but she didn't know for sure if she wanted to. I guess we will just have to see how that goes. We were able to talk extensively about what was wrong with the previous evening and what we would do differently in the future, which I thought was very helpful. We admitted that we were both stupid, not only for going home with some guys we didn't know, but for catering to his demands. Instead of demanding that he show us some respect I was just equally snarky with him ("I just let you come in my mouth! Go get me some water bitch!") which was fun but probably didn't help the situation at all. 

Went and visited a friend at Vanderbilt. It was good to see her, but I found that as usual she was absorbed in her love life. It seemed like every boy we passed she was like "that is one of my lovers" or "he's my latest conquest...." we thought the language was so degrading and hierarchical that we felt it would be appropriate to refer to "the boy" as "the nameless conquest" in order to take back the experience. There is nothing wrong with sleeping with a bunch of people, as long as you are honest and safe about it, but she told me she doesn't even really like sex that much. It really seems like a total self esteem issue for her. She introduced me to who she described as my soul mate, and i think she may have been right. His name was Luke and we talked about compost, communes, and low cost housing for about an hour before he had to leave. I hope to see him again. I told her later about my budding romance with Larkin, and lara said "well, he's not exactly a boy..." and she said "wait...what?" I explained his gender identity to her and she said "seriously hollis, out of all the people out there, why did you have to fall for a he-she?" OUCH. She is the ONLY person who has had this reaction when I told them that I was dating a trans person and I was very offended. 

The rest of the trip was fun but not too exciting. New couchsurfing host, saw a vaporizer for the first time...I didn't smoke but once but I think Lara smoked out of 5 different mediums all in all. After we left Asheville we decided to go to the farm, the famous 200 person commune that started the tofu craze of the 1970s and who have the most reputable midwives in the nation. We didn't get a full tour, which was sad, but we got to check out the EcoVillage, where everything was made out of cob, and I ordered some tempeh. I was lucky enough to see the pre-natal clinic and it was so magical! I'm sure a lot of people think birthing on a commune would be sketch, but the clinc was immaculate. It was like a very warm, nice doctors office with cleanliness without the feeling of cold sterility that usually goes along with it. There were posters and statues depicting ancient and modern interpretations from all over the world, which was great, because people come from all over the world to have their babies at the farm! I grabbed some goodies for a pregnant friend of mine and we headed on our way. After the farm we went and hung out with a friend's parents in Mississippi and they offered us ridiculously good pot (which seemed to be the theme of the week) and we were happy. I passed out on the couch, which was a lovely end to a bizzare week. 
Wednesday, January 7th, 2009
12:10 am
So last night my couchsurfing host, Annie, brings home a friend, who she tells me is my guest for the Of Montreal show. She asks me where I am from, and I say Arkansas.
"no way! I'm about to move to Arkansas!"
"really? Why on earth are you moving to Arkansas?"
"I'm going to work at this ranch..."
"Heifer Ranch?"
"no way! I lived out there for three months! You are going to have a blast!"

The concert was great, although there were not as many feathers and glitter as I was expecting. I don't find Kevin Barnes to be a particularly sexy individual, but I almost came when Georgie Fruit sang "we can do it softcore if you want, but you should know that I go both ways..." in his sexy sultry voice. I can't quite decide how I feel about this latest transformation, but I know that Skeletal Lamping is definitely going to be the best Of Montreal album to have sex to.

Today was even more bizarre.

Elenore Vena and I planned to meet at this cute little vegan cafe. And who else should be standing in line in front of me but Of Montreal? Hmmmmm...how do I approach them without it seeming as if I am stalking them? What are the chances of this happening by mere fate? As Brian is walking back to his seat I got his attention and we chatted for a bit, and then I said hi to Kevin, who introduced me to his cousin. I introduced him to Elenore, and he asked if she was singular or plural. I don't know if he was drunk, alluding to a part of the conversation that I missed, or simply being Kevin Barnes.

I had a WONDERFUL time with Elenore. We chatted about her boyfriend, her job, midwifery...I believe we have much more in common now than we have had in the past. She took me to Warren Wilson and introduced me to some lovely people.

At 5 I had an appointment with Corinna Wood, who I may be apprenticing under with the WiseWoman internship. I got hopelessly lost and completely missed the appointment after driving around for two hours, extremely frustrated.

I returned to the anarchist bookstore/vegan cafe to hang out and watch season 1 of This American Life. I learned that it is actually a co-op collective owned by 9 people, which is wonderfully beautiful, but is detrimental to my chances of landing a job there when I return. I LOVE this scene. It seems to be truly diverse in both thought and ethnicity, something missing in many progressive movements. I am sitting there talking to a lovely girl I met named Sunshine, who is also an anthropology major, looking to go to school in Asheville, who's favorite group of people is also the !Kung San, when I hear my name spoken at the table next to me. It is a very odd sensation to hear your name spoken by strangers 500 miles away from home, so I am somewhat startled. I see that they are looking at my CouchSurfing page. They are supposed to be my hosts for the evening, and are reading my message in which I tell them that I am staying with Elenore for the evening. The girl, (I can't remember her name at the moment) tells me that one of the anthropology professors at UNC asheville specializes in women's studies and african studies. Of course he does.
Sunday, January 4th, 2009
5:13 pm
fucking asheville.
No, I'm not fucking the entire city of Asheville. That was more of a flat exclamation of "wow...this place actually exists."

I'm sitting in a vegan cafe/anarchist bookstore listening to Joanna Newsom and reading zines about responsible sexuality and anarcho-feminist theory for men, making new friends, only to discover that this place is owned by Vermin, a dude I met at the last faerie gathering I attended.

I don't feel like I am visiting. I feel like i'm at home.

I LOVE my couchsurfing host!! We spent all day window shopping at overpriced hipster-y stores, plotting about our next sewing projects, talking about tattoos, and making Indian food. And she used to work at a cupcake store. And she is queer! I'm not really romantically interested in her, but she is definitely someone I will call up to hang out with when I move here. I met some of her friends last night, and we had a great time dancing to bluegrass-y music. I spent the evening looking around wondering how many of these people are going to be my friends when I move here.

I managed to get on the guest list for the of montreal show and in a mere two hours my senses will be overloaded with danceable techno-pop, a plethora of feathers and glitter, and the sweet sultry voice of kevin barnes.

Life is sooooo good.
Thursday, January 1st, 2009
11:16 pm
horror upon horrors!
I am going to fucking North Carolina and tickets to the of montreal concert are SOLD OUT!!!!!!
What am I going to DO???
1:52 am
oh I can't imagine a better new years! I bonded with Mrs. Oakley over Sean's birth, and he said he learned more about his birth than he ever knew/wanted to know. Then I basically had sex with him in front of his mom during our best rendition of "Hissing Fauna are You the Destroyer?" of all time. Oh how things come full circle.

I also very drunkenly called Katz from Athens Boys Choir, to inform him that I did in fact have three dildos, and wished him a happy new year.

It was a new years full of confrontation and reconciliation, and everyone in this house has good feelings towards everyone else, which was not the case when we arrived.
Wednesday, December 31st, 2008
4:35 pm
New Years with the Oakleys
I was randomly invited to spend new years with the family of a boy from UCA named Sean Oakley who I have not spoken to in a semester, and I am having a blast! He lives outside of Memphis in Mississippi. Its so strange to realize that families like this exist. Sean can just talk about his last threesome in front of them and no one bats an eye. His dad was peer pressuring us to smoke pot! "Come on, whats one hit going to do? Its not like you're not going to graduate from college!" Last night we went in to Memphis and I suggested Ethiopian food. I think that Ethiopia is the most magical place in the world. They invent all kinds of crazy things, like a whole new version of Christianity, coffee, and even homo sapiens. About half way through dinner, we all agreed that there was something crazy in the food, because we all started getting a little nutty and were laughing at everything that was said. Food is the best drug.
Monday, December 29th, 2008
9:27 pm
I suck at poetry but feel like writing in semi-verse after chicksupreme's post. Just to clarify. This is NOT poetry. I am not responsible for completely failing at the wistful dreamlike quality of good free verse because it is NOT poetry. It is just how my thoughts happen to be structured right now.

We both arrived late. You, because you were being fitted for new glasses, me because I was busy at the mall trying on drag and lingerie, of course too cheap to buy anything even at deeply discounted prices.

Interesting conversation over dinner. African apocalyptic female prophetesses, necrophilia, serial killers, being a preacher's kid, and your sister's exploratory lesbianiam. Your mother should be pleased after you and your brother failed miserably at homosexuality.

You ask me about my long past lovers and I'm afraid to inquire about your own relationship, wishing that everyone shared my distaste for monogamy. I consider telling you that I would be happy to lend you my copy of "the ethical slut" and personally introduce you to the world of open relationships, but I bite my tounge.

We wander the aisles of the container store, avoiding the nearby starbucks for the sake of our wallets. We amuse ourselves by buying three feet of bubble wrap and stomping on it outside of the store. An older woman smiles at us, and I hope she assumes that we are young lovers. You are such a cheap date.

You have other engagements; tonight is family night, and our lovely evening is over all too soon. Not even a chance to read each other children's books in Barnes and Noble. You walk me to my car and wonder why you have to be off limits when we are so compatible.
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